Chapter 13: Back in the Saddle


Today did not go great.

Started off with great April Fools day pranks. I broke it to Dallas that she was adopted. She looked up sadly.

Then I took off, leaving Leia a hilarious suicide note. "I shouldn't have survived." " You don't deserve me." Classic.

But not before taking all our food. I just hid in the maintenance shed all day, waiting for her to come try to find me.

When I came back, she punched me. Hard.

We're broken up, I guess. Or we were "never dating."

And worst of all, it's only March 31st. 30 days has September, April, June... Dunno how I messed that up.


I need an April shower. I do not smell fresh.

Leia says to stop leaving life savers on her pillow. And that we were a one time thing. Who doesn't like life savers??


I'd try some kind of Easter egg hunt, but Leia seems to be mad enough about her eggs as it is. Maybe in a week.

I think Dallas has learned to run when I want to do things like tie bunny ears on her.


I'm getting fat. Maybe it's what I'm eating. And that I only limp everywhere.

Maybe if I exercised Leia would put more effort into our relationship.


I can't ride my bike with no handlebars.


Leia is more like Threepio.

The first robin of spring. It was frozen from last year.


I was wearing my Christmas blanket from Leia like a cape and I tore it in a doorway. Promptly dropped it off for repair.

You know, I would even do my taxes if I could have it all back.


Tough week for me. My last sharpie dried up. Leia threw out my paint cans without telling me. She's one of those psycho girlfriends.

She says it’s just because I used her change of clothes as paint cloths for my new mural.

My mural is just started, and I have no paint and she won't get me any more. How selfish do you have to be? And I'm HANDICAPPED.

And this other sharpie is getting dr


Let's just go already.


We agreed. We're leaving tomorrow. Leia can come too.


Hasn't stopped raining since I woke. I guess we can wait another day.


Pack your crap. We're out in 30 minutes. We can't stay.

Let's get out of here. Can we please burn it down? Please?

Leia says don't burn down the hotel. Bad for the environment. Really?

There is no more pollution. None. We can burn buildings.

Ok maybe I should save the writings I did all winter. Who knows who could be right behind us.

Let's go.

I got way out of shape.


I take it all back. I want to go back to sleeping in beds. I'm soft.


My butt has never been so sore. Bikes suck.


Should prob go towards Nebraska a bit in case we get a scorching summer again.


Passed a school bus that must have just slowly rolled off the road. Sad.

What's the flyover states claim to fame after the airplanes?


I feel like the view would be nice if it wasn't only brown, dead corn.

Oh yeah, it's cinco. Bueno.

Leia doesn't want to find coronas but if I "want to throw up piss all night, go for it." Well I will. Thanks.

I haven't had a drink in weeks, after I got cut off. IT'S A HOLIDAY.

Found a gas station. No Corona. Millers will do. Fiveo de Americano.


Woke up barfing piss.

My metabolism got awful after not drinking. And drinking in the beer aisle offers no restraint.

Leia says "I told you so" with her eyes.


This jumbo jet must've gotten caught in the Flash radius. Slammed into this empty field. At least everyone on board was already dead.



My bad leg is on fire.


Leia won't laugh at my jokes. Dallas is too tired to pay attention. The open road is long.

My leg hurts and no one can help me find Sara. Today I do miss my mom.


We found one motorcycle. One. For the three of us.

So Leia's driving slowly with me on the back. Dallas follows.

Hey, she's got nice abs.

Although I swear she looked like she was just gonna book it without us for a minute.


I do get lonely, but every day I'm glad we aren't in Mad Max.

We pushed through til Nebraska. Leia won't let me drive the bike even after days. Maybe shouldn't have told her I wrecked the last one.

But she goes so slow! And drives annoyingly carefully.


Not making much progress. We have to drive in the shoulder around the wrecks most of the time. Dallas trots along.


I got really sunburned on my neck. I can't even sleep at night. Should've stayed in the hotel. Or the mall. Or anywhere.

Duck Hunt: Road Warrior Edition. 3 vultures so far.

I painted buzzard outlines on the bike. I'm going for Ace.

With no cars, this whole place became planet fitness.


End of the world feminism lesson: the bitch will not let me drive. Glad she's empowering herself and all.

DALE'S DINER Well, shoot, I'ma hafta git me some crap food and shoot some pool!

There's a spare motorcycle in the parking lot.

Leia's building a fire in the gravel lot. Canned chili again. She said to make sure the other motorcycle works.

Leia thinks it's probably a good time to split. Used words like "non-compatible" "tension" "irresponsible". Am I "using" these right?

She thinks we'll be less of a burden on each other apart. Well, how very diplomatic. Thank you kindly.

Of course I'm useful to the group! How else will everyone track us? Who will know where to find us?

And she has the nerve to say Dallas can stay with me! My dog! Thanks!

Guess I've gotta load up my new bike.

This bike won't start. Weird. No explanation. Just won't go. Just gonna throw this empty sack of sugar in the dumpster.


So I guess we're back to riding together. Until I find a way to get myself around. How generous of her.


Awkward day.



Ever be riding behind someone on a motorcycle, and you have to hold them, to not die, but every part of them is reluctant to be touched?


Not me. She feels my magnetism, baby.


You know, the N64 controller really had a weird shape.

Drove past another motorcycle. Wrecked pretty bad. Skeleton driver looked not good.

Leia still wanted me to see if I could fix it. Are you crazy? A working one will show up, geez.

Although she may kill me soon if she can't unload me.


Poured rain in the middle of an open road. 20 minutes till we found a car to sit in. I'm gonna get so sick.

Leia insists I cover my eyes while she changes to dry clothes. I've already seen most of her... Also it'll take 15 minutes from a car seat.


I dreamed a plane flew overhead.


I feel like this time last year it was 20 degrees hotter. We might be okay. Or it could snow. Who knows, anymore.

I've been making sure we get off the bike at the same time every rest stop. Not getting left. My leg is messed up.

Be bop ba badadado. I'm the scatman.


I'm not taking any Japanese motorcycles if we find them. I prefer to loot American-made. For our economy.


Accidentally just said "aboat." I thought my accent would have rubbed off on Leia by now. IT'S HOW THEY TALK IN MOVIES